In which I Get Knocked Down (But Get Up Again)

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Now, two weeks into my supposed last semester of college, I am internship-less, and still waiting around the phone for an interview. It’s weird to have so much free time, so unnatural that at some point it feels depressing, so I fill my days with baking, jogging and mundane housework. Things to keep my mind off my deflated ego, and to make most of the free time I rarely get.

I have this horrible habit of giving up on things, when I’ve failed once. I know how the sayings go about getting up back on that horse, trying til your guts give out, and blah blah don’t stop believing (just kidding), but I hate the awful feeling of defeat, especially at baking. Despite my aversion to failure, and short attention span, I really decided to work on something until I’ve gotten it right, and my lucky victim was choux pastry. I embarrassingly failed to make proper cream puffs in the past, which is apparently really easy for new bakers, and I never attempted again. After a brief conversation about cream puffs with a friend, I went to the grocery and shopped for what I needed.

I would visit the grocery at least twice more, because I failed at least two more times, before I could finally fill the puffs with pastry cream. When I failed, I dissected my puffs, and when I failed again, I did more research. I apparently have around five recipes of choux pastry in our library alone. All the cooking, VIGOROUS whisking, and washing finally amounted to something. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes we really do need to get past the failures, to get things right. So much effort over something some people get right on the first try, but there’s no shame in that. I was pretty proud of myself actually.

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Of course then there was the tasting part. Ugh, if only I could vividly explain the agony of watching someone eat something you made and uncertain of; it’s worse than having a pit in your stomach, but probably not as bad (but close) as to getting your arm chopped off–regardless, it’s torture in slow motion. Safe to say, I did it, at least someone found it tasty (I think me eating two in the past two days is also a good sign, since I rarely eat what I bake) so that makes me happy. WE DID IT LOS HICIMOS WE DID IT HOORAY.

I finally felt for a moment, out of my rut. Especially since I finally got to work on a photography set in my bedroom with these golden brown babies, which I sorely missed doing. I also finally got out of my sleeping funk, and wake up early again, and I’m also getting better at not dying as much when running around school.

Things aren’t perfect, but I’m having fun, and accomplishing something, anything. I won’t be in any pastry kitchen of some swanky hotel in the near future, but at least I have my kitchen (and its a nice kitchen thank you), and my pastries, and that’s good enough for me.

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